Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Should have

I thought it was over, but apparently not.

My heart breaks a little more whenever I'm reminded of us. Nowadays, I get reminded more of the things you did not do for me, and the things you did not like about me. I ask myself why, a lot. It makes me sad that I put myself and let myself be in that situation. I should have fought for myself a little more, a little harder. While all I ever did was try so hard to understand you, I don't think I was being understood. You might not know this, but I think I was always overlooked. I refused to believe that, and only thought of you and for you. I was never the focus. There are things that happened that I still don't understand up to today, like why you got mad/upset on (more than) several occasions. I was always apologizing for things I could not understand. Now when I think of it, towards the end - when I was desperately clinging on, there were many hints that I should have taken. I should have let go earlier. I should have known.

I think I deserved more. There were times I did not feel good about myself, and I wondered why. I did not know much then, but I think I know now. I did everything I could and everyone knows how much I put into the relationship. But it was a toxic relationship, and I'm glad you pushed for the right choice. There were red flashing lights on multiple occasions - I really should have known.

After more than a year, I think I finally got the closure I needed. I needed for myself to realize that it wasn't my fault that things could not work out and that maybe it was, in fact, yours.


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